"Hebworth ward."

After 12 hours in a cubicle in a and e I arrived at hebworth ward at around 11pm after suffering severe anxiety.

On arrival the head nurse was rude and verbally agressive as I was nervously looking around me. My room was dirty and had hair in the shower, faeces around the toilet, vomit in the sink, tissue on the floor etc. I told a member of staff and suggested I was in the wrong room and was told to just get to sleep. I was offered medication that I had never taken before and was nervous to take it. The nurse was trying to hurry me rather than reassure me and after a minute just said that they will write down I refused to take it. I went to ask another kinder member of staff 30 minutes later if I could take it and they supported me to do so although I had no information on side effect a etc.

the next morning I saw the consultant who said I was a voluntary patient and could go out for walks etc. Later on I asked a member of staff if I could go for a walk and age said no. I told them the consultant had said I could and they said the consultant doesn't understand the ward rules, I asked again later as there was even a sign on the walk saying if you are voluntary you may go out and was told that I need to play ball otherwise I will be sectioned and I don't want that.

There were several further issues and I was only there 36 hours.

Also on the first night I was told that I had to have my door left wide open so they could check on me. I was distressed by this as aggressive patients were walking up and down the hallway all through the night and I could not sleep for fear of them entering my room. I begged them to close the door halfway through the night but then I had the light turned on every 15 minutes so still could not sleep. I understand the need to check people but as all dangerous objects had been taken from me I could not see how being checked every 15 minutes by having the bright light turned on and off therefore having no sleep was helpful. It actually felt like torture. I was also surely far more at risk from a patient entering my room than from myself?

In general the staff were so rude and dismissive it felt like a battle for survival and I dread to think how horribly people's mental health is drastically worsened by the experience of staying on a ward.

There were also no activities or tv, books etc, no distraction at all apart from a mindfullness session in the morning which was excellent.

The consultant, psychologist and a small percentage of the staff were wonderful however.

On the whole I am traumatised by my experience and not allowing me out for a brief walk when it was my right to do so as a voluntary patient. In future if I was to have a further breakdown I would avoid telling services as I am sure I would be better fending for myself than going to a ward.