"Mental Health Services in Devon and Torbay"

I live in Devon and in my late teens. I have a young child.  I have had mental health problems since I was 11 years old. I left mainstream school at 12/13 and went to a pupil referral unit. I was having such severe hallucinations that it broke every one of my friendships down and everyone said I was a freak. I also started to have delusions. These were really challenging and meant I put myself in vulnerable situations.

I had multiple "possible" diagnosis, for example: conduct disorder, paranoid schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, non-organic psychosis and more recently ... Borderline personality disorder. I was in and out of a psychiatric care in Somerset from age 14... I was homesick and couldn't face staying so I went home, ended up back again.. Left again... I took an overdose because my imaginary friend told me I should die and that I should do it, and ended up on a drip in Plymouth for 5 days and was then transferred to Torbay hospital.

I have tried to kill myself in multiple ways. I cry as I write this.. There's a very sad, bleak ending to the story, please bear with me there is too much for me to write... They thought I had epilepsy at one point and put electrodes on my head for a few days with a monitor, they then sent me for an MRI with no luck. I've been on different medications through the years, these being: fluoxetine, sertraline, carbomazipine, aripiprazole (this one worked but I had a dystonic reaction), risperidrone, quetiapine, venflaxine, and more recently promethezane. Ive had multiple therapies, including: psychotherapy, CBT, MBT, counselling. I was in a lot of trouble with the police when I had manic episodes and would hallucinate. It lead me into things I wouldn't have done in my right mind, robbery, theft, fights..

I had a baby in the last few years and I struggled so badly with paranoia and anxiety that my mum has been looking after him for the past year over night, I haven't been alone with him... Ever. I tried my absolute hardest to get help so I can be the mum I desperately want to be but I'm having no luck. I cry every single night and wonder what would happen if it all went away. If my baby would have a better life without me. If I will ever get the help I need. I struggled with my GP to get medication after my psychiatrist told me he would not prescribe anything for borderline personality disorder, and the only way is talking therapy, which I feel could take many years away from my chance at motherhood and feeling normal, and maybe not even work, after all I have been talking for 8 years.to no avail.

Recently my GP prescribed me venflaxine because I was having paranoid thoughts of my baby being killed or injured or dying in his sleep, I would sweat and have panic attacks and check on him every 10 minutes to the point I would not sleep anymore. I would think about how I'd feel if he was gone, and I would hate myself for thinking it but the thought would not go away, then I convinced myself if I said it out loud it would happen. Anyway, the psychiatrist then wrote to my GP and, quote, discouraged him from prescribing me anymore medication. Now, after 8 years, I have no medication, no therapy... Nothing. I am alone. And I am scared. I have battled so hard, I have tried to become normal by suppressing the characters I see. These are people I visually see, I can smell them, hear them, and even touch them. After a while I realised they were not real and now I know they're not but they still continue to harass me every single day. I hear voices, have no energy, I am depressed, no motivation or GCSES or career or friends. I self harm to have some silence whilst it lasts. I can't go on without medication or help... I can't cope. This is my last resort.

I really need to know what you think, if you can help, if you can direct me into the right direction or even if you could speak to somebody on my behalf as I find it very hard to discuss things like this. I think the adult mental health service is shocking, I feel neglected. When I told my psychiatrist "please, I need medication that will help me. Just because I fit into a box of BPD, why does that mean I can not have medication to keep me stable. We have proven talking doesn't help as its been 8 years of utter hell and now I have a little boy to look after and I'm failing miserably. So either I don't have BPD, or BPD IS treatable! I have been medicated before and been a whole new person.

I asked them, how would you feel if I ended up dead after begging for help? " they responded by telling me that’s my choice. My new psychiatrist held a medication review last week, I was explaining that at night I have traumatic thoughts about something happening to my one year old son. This was hard for me to tell him as it upsets me deeply. The thoughts usually surrounding something happening to my son, I get very upset by these because of course my biggest fear is for him to be in harms way, I think that's just being a mother, however my worries turn into nightmares, ruminations etc.

Course because I have missed my teenage years in a way. The psychiatrist tried to suggest that I was angry with my child and I did not agree with this. I could not be angry with him but they just carried on trying to insist this was the case. What I feel I need is help, maybe medication to manage my anxiety, and some therapy for borderline personality disorder. I am a vulnerable teenage parent, I have been suffering from anxiety and borderline personality disorder from 11 years old, so I stress to you that this was all happening before my son was even born. It seems my anxiety has moved on to focus on my son, that DOES NOT mean I am angry with him nor will I ever be. I was left to walk out of my medication review sobbing, wondering if the thoughts were actually my fault, with no phone calls after, no letters, no contact to make sure I was okay.

This made me feel vulnerable like I was being pushed into feeling something I wasn’t. How did they know I was not suggestible? I could have come home thinking I really was angry with my son. My other problem, is a few months back, I was suffering badly with depression/anxiety. I went into my appointment to ask if they would consider medication as I was struggling to cope and parent. They seemed to laugh at this suggestion.

I am not sure how this is acceptable as a psychiatrist. To make patients feel you are mocking them, not listening to them, and to suggest ideas and thoughts that were never a problem before entering that room.

I don’t feel that anyone should be treated like this. What I'm saying is please, don't let someone else give up on their life because of negligence of mental health patients, and because of tick boxes that nobody will ever fit into...Please, please I feel I need help. For me, for my son and for my family. It has been 8 years...