"Planned operation resulting in ICU with serious infection"

I was taken to ward 27 at Ninewells for a planned operation removing my kidney stones and the Nephrostomy bag.

I don't remember much after that.

Apparently the op went as planned and some large stones were removed. But the op lasted well beyond the time limit, lasting more than 5 hours.

Much sediment was disturbed and gave me a serious infection.

I was unable to breathe on my own and had to be taken to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU).

Various fluids were injected into my neck area and my breathing done by machine.

I was highly drugged and unable to speak and had serious hallucinations.

It took several days for me to come round and had visits from my sons although not really recognising them, however I've been informed I had my eyes closed for most of the time.

Hallucinations ranged from a mud ward wall on which rats climbed, people arriving driving a grey squarish dumper truck, people leaning towards me then disappearing, lots of ghostly people walking past, looking then disappearing. Nurses and doctors flitting around then vanished out of existence.

My inner film of the day's experiences showed horizontal black lines when I was unconscious including one nurse with a wide open mouth.

The monster in my room was a giant photo of Kilchurn Castle at Loch Awe. The colours were awful drab greens and greys which I hated, uncharacteristically of me…I asked if the windows on the castle were actually people, they weren't. Another picture in the room was of mixed colour Labrador puppies, designed to evoke feelings of sheer joy. Unfortunately I felt the surroundings meant they felt really negative and reminded me of dirty ash.

Visitors used their experience working in hospitals to help during visit.

Another visit from my son and then another two visitors followed.

Lindsay was a first class nurse in the castle room of the ICU.

I was moved back to ward 27 on the Saturday.

Another visitor brought presents, their first visit to the hospital since retiring, a big event for them. They gave me useful medical information including the fact that they would never have attempted the anaesthetics for the operation, knowing my medical history.

A visit bringing news and photos of Moon, their black puppy, cheered me up.

More visits from my son and also from sister who got the bus from Perth.

Good sleep on one night, with an interesting dream. A politician asked if I could take her to Scalloway. My boat was moored at Lerwick, although I had thought I had sold it around 30 years ago. So I plotted a course across to Scalloway blythely ignoring the fact that most of the journey would be across land, everything is possible!

Managed toilet on my own for the last two days and a walk round the ward, staggering achievements. But not always making it to the toilet.

Another visit from my son who brought me ice cream!

Next day - Itchy/sore left leg.

Interesting dream re a stone square at a border town roughly when I was getting healing when on a prayer list.

8 more people coming into the ward today!

The two surgeons who did my operation called to see me one afternoon.

Main one was Mr Benedict. He hoped both of my sons were ok, thought it was very upsetting for them both. Still partial stone at top of kidney, hopes it can be left, certain risks again for an operation. The catheter will be removed tomorrow and the Nephrostomy tube can be removed on Friday, hooray!

Also a stent at bottom of kidney can be removed, both without anaesthetics. So excellent.

Mr Benedict says my body was put under a huge strain with the operation.

So both bags to be removed, very excellent!

Also he understands if I don't want another operation. But the bladder stones remains, hopefully it can be done with radio therapy.

Stent couldn’t be removed due to being encrusted with stones so another op required to remove that and the stones.

I was so pleased when my son arrived to take me home.

I felt really weird when I arrived back at my house.

World seemed strange and unreal as if I was just an onlooker.

Felt really tired and no appetite. The Earl Grey tea tasted horrible. I lost weight.

Sleep was very broken, constant trips to the toilet.

The castle photo from ICU haunted me, the only reality in my strange new world.

My parrot, regarded me suspiciously, somehow aware that I was different.

I had a visitor from the Outer Hebrides who made me soup and fruit cake, superb.

A visit to my support group of 25 years put some more reality back into my life. They were as curious as my parrot but they cared deeply about me.

The bottom line would be that I am deeply appreciative of my hospital visit and the marvellous staff and that they were able to keep me alive.

But I am terrified of going back into hospital and having any repetition of the super disturbing ICU experience.

I’m slowly getting back to what passed for normal.

I've been invited by my son to a big event - a large dinner celebration. If I can cope with that I will really think I have finally made it.