"I felt disregarded and unimportant"

It was two years ago when I was 20 and I was home from uni for a few days. I had been stressed all day with my friend who had been having suicidal thoughts and other things. I laid down on the sofa and started shaking uncontrollably and couldn’t speak. 

My mum rang the ambulance and two paramedics arrived. One of them approached me while I was still shaking and grabbed my shoulder hard, digging their nails into me. I started weeping because of how hard they squeezed me.

Then I became more alert and we went to the ambulance. One paramedic took my vitals and they came back ok. I started crying more because of the tone of voice that had been used, and they said to me that most people would be happy to know they are healthy. That’s not the issue! I felt like I was being accused of lying about being ill or that I wanted attention. They rolled their eyes while I was crying and even suggested that I was being abusive. I couldn’t speak and when I tried to reply to questions my voice was stronger than usual because I was in physical pain and emotional distress. I am a very polite person and I do not abuse people even in my weak moments.

Their attitude made the suicidal thoughts I was having worse. 

Then once we got to the hospital I was left sitting waiting for 30 minutes while the paramedics laughed and made small talk with hospital staff. I feel like they treated anxiety attacks as though they weren’t real. And it’s not like my emotions were in my control. I felt disregarded and unimportant, just like what led me to feel suicidal. It made me feel oh I do not matter, I shouldn’t exist.