"Reclaiming my life from panic"

I have reservations about sharing such a personal story publicly, but if it prompts even one person to seek support for their anxiety and panic attacks, it'll be worth it.

Increasing work anxiety over a difficult few years led to burnout for me, which then triggered panic attacks that were debilitating enough that I felt I had no control over my life anymore, and was suffering with crippling self doubt, sleeplessness, irritability and hopelessness. I'd gone from being what many would regard as successful, 'having it all' in the European leadership of a company to a person who could not leave the house or see friends for fear of having an uncontrollable panic attack. I could panic over anything, large or small, without warning. It was bad enough that it felt like my only options were basically 1) give up on life and never work again, or 2) do something really serious to face the situation head on and fight for myself. 

I chose 2, which involved real vulnerability and honesty with my family and friends, the support of a psychiatric nurse, and Newham Talk Therapy.

I thought the state that I had got to was going to be impossible to reverse. I also thought, I'm smart and emotionally aware, it used to be my job to solve big business challenges every day, if I have not been able to solve this for myself, what is a stranger going to think of that's going to help me?

So, I had my doubts but I really wanted to be a good patient. I knew that I had to go in humble, turn myself inside out, and let someone help. I was matched with a knowlegeable, warm, compassionate therapist who helped me focus on understanding panic, taking on my phobias with direct and practical exercises, and helping me find space to heal little by little.

During the course of therapy, life did not stop coming at me. The work situation stayed difficult, I had a period of ill physical health, and then I had a parent diagnosed with cancer. Yet even though my situational context seemed to be getting worse not better, I was able to look at myself and feel in many ways, despite the challenges, that as a person I was better than ever. In partnership with my therapist I had started taking on the tools to be more mindful, more resilient, to be able to challenge negative thoughts before they got out of control, and frankly, just to be able to choose happiness more easily.

You can be a high flying exec, a person who's confident, a person who has always thought of themself as strong or happy or the sort of person who is always there for others, juggling work and parenthood and charity work and the type of person that others call a superhero. It doesn't matter who you are, anyone can get to a stage of burnout, or anxiety, or depression and it's not weakness; it just happens. We are only human. Some of the busiest, most active and engaged people will be the ones to make their own wellbeing second to their other responsibilities. I never meant to neglect myself, but I was focused on my duties to my family and my work, putting those things first. Those are understandable motivations, but in the end it turns out that I'm not a machine, and I needed tools and practices to help me remember to breathe and learn how to relax and let go of anxiety.

I hope that I have learned enough not to do that to myself again. As I regain the bandwidth to take on more projects and get back to a healthy level of productivity, I am determined to keep better boundaries, to flag when I'm becoming strained or unwell (instead of just making myself plough through) and remembering that I am not a superhuman. Just human.

If you are wondering whether talk therapy can help you, I would say it's something that is so worth trying out. Having a therapist means having someone in your corner, who is there just for you, who advocates for you and will support you to regain your wellness. It's non judgmental and refreshing.

I would not be functioning as I am today without it. Navigating family illness, yet still able to smile and enjoy every day, and feeling really strong. The work will be yours to do, but your therapist can personalise a path for you that will bring you to a better place, where you can choose wellness.

Please look after yourself and know that you are not alone. I hope that anyone reading this will realise that you do not have to suffer with panic and anxiety, it is not just 'the price you pay' for a senior job or parenthood.

You deserve to be well and there are people out there who are looking forward to helping you.