"I never wanted to miss a week"

7 and a half months ago, I had just given birth to my second child. Little did I know the hell that would follow. Literally nightmares waking me from already broken sleep. Seeing visions of my child, dead. Seeing visions of myself, dead, dying or bleeding out. It was confirmed that I was suffering with postpartum depression, anxiety, and mild psychosis. 

I'd called my doctor, not expecting much, maybe some medication. Who knew. Within 2 hours of speaking to my doctor, my health visitor had called me. I thought "oh my god, I wish I'd never called". Within 24 hours of speaking with my health visitor, telling her what was going on with me, I had spoken to a woman with the perinatal mental health group. I received regular contact with them, assistance with ordering and reviewing my medication, and just general chatting about life, etc. Not all about the baby, actually about me! I'd told my MH nurse some of the visions I was experiencing, which were incredibly disturbing for me. She told me that these visions were common in mums with issues the same as mine, and that I wasn't abnormal, or alone in having these visions. 

One day, I had someone turn up at my door, (she had sent a letter, but I binned it, whoops!) That was the lovely Sandra. She came into my home, which was quite literally upside down, I had junk and toys everywhere, I hadn't cleaned up the evening before, I was too exhausted. 

Sandra asked me how I was keeping, she mentioned a group, which I absolutely had no interest AT ALL in going to. I promised to go anyway, because I wanted her to leave, I was tired, I felt I couldn't cope with my kids, I just didn't want anyone in my house at that time.

Come the day, I'd completely forgotten, probably because I didn't care. So Sandra calls me up, asking if I'm okay, I'm there on the phone thinking shall I lie? Tell her I'm not well? Well, I didn't, I told her I'd forgotten. She invited me along again the following week, she said if I couldn't make it she would like to visit me. I thought, well that's alright... but instead I woke up at 09:30 the following Wednesday, the group started at 10. I thought to myself, "nah I'm gonna go!" otherwise Sandra would just come back and see me again! (Sandra is actually lovely, I was just in a constant bad mood at the time!).

Anyway, I went and got there about 10 mins late, I wasn't even the last to arrive! I looked in the door, Sandra spied me and came out. I burst into tears, right there and then. My blood was suddenly too hot, I felt like everyone there was better than me, that I was a loser and wouldn't fit in, they weren't like me, they all looked happy. But they weren't all happy, so I suppose if I was a loser, so were they. Because after 10 weeks of getting to know them, we're all the same!

I never wanted to miss a week again, after I went to the first one. We were all so different, but we were experiencing the same difficulties. We didn't bond because we felt like broken mums, or because we had kids, we bonded because the strategy and layout of the meetings allowed us time to speak to each other, and get to know each other as people, rather than as mums.

The OT, Emma, was so amazing, she has written these whole plans for each week, and tells them to us but always says, if not then we can do something else or just chat, which was just great. Every session was so adaptive, but with enough going on to enable us to talk to each other, make friends, AND still tend to our babies. 

The nursery nurses would sit with the babies, they would have loads of toys down on the play mats, they all made friends with each other, sitting there, lying there, or standing there assisted by one of the nursery nurses. It was lovely to see it, and be there, knowing you were doing the right thing for your baby. 

We were given the tools we need to enable us to cope with being in difficult situations. The group hasn't cured the anxiety, depression, or anything else for that matter. But it's certainly made me stronger, better able to see the telltale signs of me going downhill and knowing what to do to catch myself before I end up back at the bottom. But also, I'm now aware that being at the bottom isn't the worst thing in the world, we've been better and can get better again. It's just knowing how to, that's what I got from the group. 

I'm so upset that the group has finished. I never thought I'd say it, but I really am. I really going to miss the girls, the staff, the babies, and the routine. Thankfully we were given a list of resources to go and search up and see if there are any other groups happening that we can engage in together. 

Thank you so much girls ❤️