"Feeling that I don't matter"

Today I was discharged from an acute ward. I had been there 2 and a bit weeks and during that time I only once saw my key nurse for a one to one talk and that was only because I complained.

Following my first trauma treatment therapy session I became exceedingly distressed and was promised I would get one to one chats from each shift. I expected nothing and got nothing.

Maybe if one to one's were written down like medication it might happen. In a group today a new patient sobbed while she told us that she had arrived on friday and no staff had spoken to her or explained how things worked. She was so scared that she had locked herself in her room.

The staff are so bogged down with paperwork that they have little time for patients and you begin to wonder why acute wards exist - it doesn't seem like they help the patients. I have come out of hospital feeling even more suicidal than before. The crisis helplines if I needed them are usually engaged or too busy if they do answer so I don't ring. It only makes me feel more worthless than ever.

I have been sectioned 6 times so I have spent many, many months on that ward over the last 6 years. Things have gone downhill and seem worse each time i get admitted.

At the moment the psychiatrists are arguing over my true diagnosis. 8 months ago I saw an expert in his field of personality disorders and he said catergorically that I had no personality disorder which agreed with a previous private assessment.

Yet my local Drs do not believe him but have yet to set up a meeting to discuss. Meanwhile I continue to detiorate (compounded by my mother's death) and my local CMHT still refuse to restore the CPN support that I had until 18 months ago.

I was discharged from the CMHT because they could no longer help me. The new service which was supposed to pick me up said they had no treatment to offer me because I was too high risk.

I am high risk - I am teetering on the edge and trauma therapy with no support between sessions doesn't seem like a good idea. I feel let down by the whole of the mental health services and I look around me and see many others.