"Lack of caring"

I woke in the middle of the night in severe pain. I had started my periods and was bleeding heavily but I also had vomiting and diarrhoea. My inclination as always was to deal with it myself. But by 10am I was beginning to feel scared. I had not experienced period cramps that were so severe before and because I was being sick (not even being able to keep water down) I was unable to take any pain killers and was beginning to fear that there was something seriously wrong with me. Frightened and alone I decided to call some friends to come over to support me in deciding what it was best to do. When they arrived my condition frightened them too. I was in obvious pain and having phoned the NHS helpline and my GP surgery they decided to call an ambulance. When the ambulance arrived I was in so much pain that I didn’t care what I looked like. Consequently I went to hospital with wet hair, wearing no makeup, in my pyjamas, dressing gown and, rather incongruently, a pair of old boots.

When the ambulance arrived it quickly became apparent in my opinion, that the Ambulance crew did not think there was anything seriously wrong with me but were not happy to make a definite judgement so they took the decision to take me to Accident and Emergency. I am over 50 and this was the first time in my entire life I have ever been in an ambulance. Yet it felt that they were happy to make other assumptions about me. Perhaps from the street I live on, my appearance or from the fact that I was with friends rather than family members. They spent most of the journey there talking to each other and complaining about their shift patterns and the pressures they were under.

When we arrived at A&E I felt that they had concluded that I was a ‘time waster’ and this impression was communicated and then amplified by staff in A & E. One in particular was rude, uncaring and seemed to assume that I had come to hospital to acquire drugs, in my opinion. None of these judgements she sought to confirm by communicating with me. She spoke in a loud voice in describing the patient waiting next in line to other staff as a legitimate patient, the implication being that I was not. As we waited in the corridor on the stretcher the Ambulance staff were not able to leave and whilst I continued to be in pain I had stopped being sick and was more than aware of the atmosphere surrounding me and the negative judgements being made about me. In fact the only staff member who showed me any care or compassion was the cleaner who having passed me twice and recognised I was in pain, expressed the hope that I would be seen to soon.

The staff prescribed me some morphine. I have never had morphine in my life but would have been happy to take anything which would have taken the pain away. She also asked me questions which were personal and intrusive, like whether I was pregnant and how confident was I about the answer that I had given her, in full hearing of everyone in the corridor. When I was seen finally by the Doctor on duty most of my symptoms had been alleviated by the morphine, so I was not in a position to give an accurate description of the pain I had been experiencing. By that stage I wanted nothing more than be allowed to leave. I left as soon as I could with no further understanding of what had occurred or why, only a sense of certainty that I would need to be half dead before I ever let anyone phone an ambulance for me ever again. I felt utterly humiliated and as if I had been judged to be a liar, a fraud and a thief of time and resource of which I was not entitled.

A week later I had to go into the same hospital for a scan. I got up early. I got myself made up, did my hair and wore clothes that I hoped would convey that I am educated, middle class and not the kind of person who would go into hospital without need. I was treated with kindness, professionalism and courtesy by everyone I came into contact with. But the first experience has left me feeling shaken and scared about being seriously ill or in need. Frightened by a culture which seemed very quick to judge and run by staff who perhaps, are so caught up in the pressures of their work and the demands placed on them that I fear that there is very little ‘care’ left in health care.