"She is definitely my life saver!"

I have struggled with suicidal ideation for these last 4 years, basically life circumstances have had me wanting to opt 'out' of life. Until 'it' hit me I'd worked full-time as a Nursery Nurse for 14 years and admin 14 years prior to that. I raised two children and came through a traumatic divorce amongst other things. I have had a superb therapist who has walked beside me, more or less every step of my journey. Such desperate desperate times on thinking back. She has saved me on many an occasion from opting out of life. Just speaking with her face to face can turn my whole thinking around (on most occasions). I do not believe I would be alive today if it hadn't been for her. I am not fully recovered yet and doubt I ever will be as I have what is called an emotional unstable personality, basically a personality disorder. I'm learning to manage my illness basically. After 4 years of being severly unwelI I am now in the process of re commencing employment as I so know that this is the next step in order to keep fighting this battle. This has not been an easy road to reach, and believe me when I say, I certainly DID NOT believe I was capable.. BUT 'I AM' HERE. I just think it would be nice for others to read a bit of my journey, and hopefully you may even gain a little bit of inspiration.

A very important lesson I have learned regards mental health recovery is to have a daily plan, whether it be to just crawl from your bed...I could go on but, , , again I learned this from my therapist. Somethings were so not easy to take on board, I remember, going away back to my early days of illness and Susan would advise me to 'write everything down...keep a diary'....initially I struggled with this task, as I did initially with other tasks, but it's all about FIGHTING THE FIGHT...even when you have no will to fight, it is there, deeeeeep within. I just did not believe keeping a diary would or could make a difference to where I was at these very desperate times... ...however, with time I did it.....this then progressed to 'lets think about planning your week ahead', even your next day, when I was finding breathing such a fight. With mental health illness I was very negative about such techniques initially, but boy o boy I have now progressed onto an A5 yearly diary from last year as keeping such is sooooo helpful on my path to recovery. Even just putting smiley icons or sad icons each day or days when I didn't feel up to writing, that was enough to relate to for my own reflection further down the line. We all want to recover afterall, don't we, or at least be in control of our illness and not let it be in control of us. Phew..I think I've digressed a little...Anyway long and short of it my therapist has kept me alive, helped me refocus my thinking, helped me to stop beating myself with a big stick...

Now for this negative I was mentioning. 2 words...CRISIS TEAM...ooft...definitely not for me. For a few reasons I suppose:

1. Speaking to a stranger over the phone when you desperately want to die just doesn't sit comfortably with me. Don't get me wrong, I have tried to converse but...

2. The 'DRILL' they follow...'what are you going to do to keep yourself safe'? ? ? argh! ! ! !

Eh ...I don't want to keep myself safe was the voice that would shout in my head...for sooo many reasons this service was sooo unsuitable and unacceptable to me, it left me feeling more frustrated and alone. Therefore 9 out of 10 occasions I'd hang up on the call, not that I've made that many calls to this service as for me..it just didn't help. Hence why we need a variety of services for such, afterall we are all unique so why should we all have to go through the one and ONLY process when you are in a crisis.

3...CPN...No disrespect but again, , , continuity is the key, well personally for myself anyway, moreso if you're mentally unstable and just want to die. So having different CPN'S EVERY DAY visit my home and then I'd have to re-iterate exactly what has brought me to the suicidal state I was then in. OOft that just made me feel more desperate.

Anyway, on my final note my therapist, who is based at the Joint Hospital is definitely my LIFE SAVER! ! ! ! For many many reasons this lady has given me the will, strength, confidence and hope to live for another day. I owe her my life.

Thank you guys for reading my blog, much love AND THOUGHTS to all that are suffering at this time.....