"Limbo"

About: St Mary's Hospital / Clinical oncology

(as the patient),

Being sick is a strange thing, you hear so much about waiting lists and government targets but I just don't know what any of them mean.

I've never been aware of being on a 'waiting list' and what sort of target am I? Keep me alive perhaps? It's certainly not make me better as it's been made quite clear that I will never recover.

At the moment, I'm waiting to hear whether my surgeon (and the surgeon he works with on my case) will be able to perform surgery which may, certainly in the short term, improve my situation. After what seems like undergoing every diagnostic test there is, they want to spend a half a day, maybe even a day, with me to have one last look at everything.

Here lies the problem.... two consultant surgeons, one consultant radiologist, the necessary equipment or machines (at St Mary's Hospital in London - busy, very busy), and whatever else. It's summer holiday season and they can't coordinate their diaries.

So, here I am in limbo. Waiting for summer to end and hoping that Christmas (and more holidays) doesn't arrive sooner than the ever elusive space in the diary.

Every day I wake up, I pray to, well, I don't know what but it may help. It doesn't hurt. I flush my tubes, switch bags, re-set machines, inject fluids, take all the medicines, dress wounds - oh, and I shower at some point. I read my books, I surf the net.... bbc, aljazeera, theguardian, newyorktimes, washingtonpost, anything to quench my thirst for knowledge of the outside World.

And then it's over..... another day in limbo, hoping, just hoping.

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